


i swallow your heart and it crawls right out of my mouth

by ISlayedBuffy



Series: for the health of your heart [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, character tags will update as i go along cause god knows what will happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-01-16 04:33:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12335571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISlayedBuffy/pseuds/ISlayedBuffy
Summary: "They had not spoken to each other on the way from the warehouse. There was no agreement that Amélie would begin to walk away and Lena would follow. They had not decided that they would eventually end up at what was one of London’s best hotels."Lena finds herself at a hotel with Amélie, both of them bloody and beaten. And they more she yells at herself to just leave, the more confused she get as to why she isn't just leaving.





	1. here's the sink to wash away the blood

**Author's Note:**

> this has taken way too long and i'm sorry about that. there's a lot going on in my life and i don't have a lot of time to write. also, my pharmercy fic gained priority for me. but that's finished and now i'm back here because i promised i'm not gonna abandon it. i have the timeline somewhat figured out so if i stick to that i know there will be an end to this but it's gonna take some time. hope y'all are okay with that, and i hope you enjoy this chapter and part two of "for the health of your heart".

Actually, it made perfect sense. Lena would  _ never _ admit that her hatred turned obsession with Amèlie was the beginning of her love/hate relationship. Lena believed, despite her reckless optimism, that she could never truly actually feel any sort of love for Amèlie even though Lena wasn't one to say never very often. It did, however, make a lot of sense that Amèlie kissed her. She figured at first maybe she just had some sort of weird thing for blood, which she found both quite intriguing and disgusting at the same time. She could not in a million years believe or trust that Amélie would have any feelings for her except maybe something resembling mutual hate and loathing. Lena could agree with many feelings Amèlie could possible have held for her, infatuation not being one of them. Gathered from everything that had happened, she doubted there was even a heart inside that body to feel  _ anything _ with.

They had not spoken to each other on the way from the warehouse. There was no agreement that Amélie would begin to walk away and Lena would follow. They had not decided that they would eventually end up at what was one of London’s best hotels. Though, she supposed, Amélie probably didn’t actually care too much about the luxury when she was on the hunt. Because that's what she was. Not the hunt Lena thought, but there was a hunt, and a catch, and Lena didn’t realize fully how stuck she was and how much more stuck she would become as the days would pass. They didn’t even walk beside each other. In a sense Lena felt like she was being tugged on a leash behind Amélie the whole way. 

When they got through the door to the hotel room Amélie walked to the far end of it. Grabbed a bottle of something from a bucket of ice on the table set beside the floor to ceiling windows displaying a nice view over London. She popped it open and took a big gulp straight from the bottle before offering it to Lena. She looked at it, looked up at Amélie, and back to the bottle before grabbing it and smelling it. She recognized the smell. The blood from her mouth and from her probable broken nose clogged up her system. That smell though, that she could distinguish anywhere. Champagne. She sipped it. A  _ really _ good bottle of champagne. She licked her lips tasting the remnants of champagne and blood. And Amélie. She wasn’t sure that was actually what she tasted, it could have easily been dirt. It didn’t matter, it was basically the same thing. 

“There are towels beside the sink. Feel free.” Amélie offered with a weak smile. Lena stood in the same spot, taking in the moment and letting it pass before taking off her jacket and dropping it to the floor. She opened the door to her left and walked into the bathroom. She had seen horrific things. She had not  _ been _ that horrific things. No one had shoved a mirror up her face the times she had actually gotten badly hurt. She wasn’t met with a face she recognized. She was met with swollen lips, a tender displaced nose turning red, and the beginning to what would become a black eye. She let the water run. She got a towel wet and started to scrub the places that weren’t too sensitive, and barely touched the places that were. She leaned against the sink and let the towel drop to the floor.

The tears that started to uncontrollably run down her cheeks were by all means justified. She was tired, she was in pain, she was confused, she was so many things that justified a good cry. Not that it actually mattered whether it was justified or not. She hated it. She felt more in pain, more tired, more confused, and a part of her started to let anger in. She dried her tears, though the next flood wasn’t far away, and walked out of the bathroom. Amélie, who had slipped out of her usual gear, stood looking out the window at the view. She had let her hair out and Lena noticed, or at least  _ realized  _ for the first time, how long it actually was. Her skin tight suit replaced by an oversized shirt that went down to her thighs and  fell off her shoulder. Lena studied her for a few seconds before Amélie turned around with a weak smile. Lena took the two steps from where she stood to the bed and sat down. Amélie poured some of the champagne into the other glass and gave it to her. 

“Was this—” Lena began, not actually sure what question to start with, “Why?” Lena questioned. Any sentences that she could craft would never ask for information the same way as just the simple ‘why’ would. Amélie walked back to the window and leaned against it. 

“Talon made the fatal mistake of thinking they had made me  _ theirs _ .” Amélie stated simply. It wasn’t an answer. “But I’m not theirs anymore. They would say I’m… glitching. But I’m no omnic. I don’t glitch.” she continued before Lena could think of something else to ask out of all the questions floating around in her mind. And as she was about to open her mouth to ask something more, ask ‘what now’ or ‘are you okay’ or ‘am I okay’, Amélie put down her glass on the desk as she walked over to the bed again and pressed her lips were against Lena’s again. The taste of blood was gone. Replaced by the taste of expensive champagne. To her own surprise she deepend the kiss. She wanted more. She wanted  _ more _ of the lingering taste of champagne and she wanted  _ more _ of Amélie.

She broke away from the kiss, leaning back and leaning on her elbows. Amélie’s hand still on her cheek. The taste of blood was back. Not from her split lip, but from biting her own cheeks.

“How long do we have?” she asked. Amélie dropped her hand. A smile lingered in the corners of her mouth. 

“Not long.” 

“So, why are we wasting time with this— this,” she took a deep breath, “whatever _ this _ is.” she gestured between them. 

“They’re fast but not that fast and certainly not fast  _ enough _ .” Amélie explained, and sat down, straddling Lena. 

“What do you mean not fast enough, you just said we don’t have long?” she asked. Amélie sighed.

“It means that I have powerful friends that aren’t as Talon friendly as Talon likes to believe and they can give us some time  _ but _ we don’t have all the time in the world.” Amélie’s voice changed to something so much colder than before. Her voice colder than her skin. 

“So, what now?” Lena asked, almost whispering, scared to question anything at this point. 

“We wait for a call.” Lena nodded, still unsure why she was going along with it. Unsure if Amélie would just let her go, she felt like she would eventually. It wasn’t trap, she knew that. At least she thought she knew it. It would’ve been one of the stranger traps she’d seen in that case. 

Lena watched Amélie mover from straddling her to laying down at the top of the bed, and she felt like a string between them tugged her along. She turned around to crawl up to lay beside Amélie, but before she was even allowed begin  Amélie grabbed her hand and tugged it. Lena let her body follow. It was a soft, slow, sort of tugging. Leaving the effort of coming closer to Lena, and not Amélie, but when she got closer Amélie made the last of the effort and moved her hands from her hand up to her face. At first soft touches that developed into her hands grabbing her face and bringing it closer to her own. But she didn’t kiss Lena, they looked at each other. Both of their eyes moving from eyes to lips the seconds that passed before Lena closed the distance and kissed Amélie. 

Lena had always been confused about how someone can taste of something specific. She had kissed people before and they never taste anything if they hadn’t eaten or had a drink, and if they had they tasted of that. She couldn’t say that Amélie was different, because she wasn’t. Yet, a vague thought crossed her mind. That Amélie’s lips tasted so good. And she wanted more. 

Amélie’s hands moved from her face to under her shirt. Lena winced as light grazes of her side turned into grabbing. She looked at Amélie who had a smirk, laughing softly when she grabbed Lena’s sides harder again and watched her wince. Lena did they same to Amélie, who winced. Brainwashing did apparently not stop one from feeling pain. 

Amélie grabbed Lena’s sides once again and turner her around. Lena was now powerless under the weight of Amélie who took of the oversized sweater. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath it and Lena no longer knew were to look. She swallowed, thankful that she didn’t have to know when Amélie leaned down again to kiss her, before grabbing the hem of her shirt and began taking it off her.  

Amélie pulled away, just looking into Lena’s eyes. Lena frowned not sure what Amélie was trying to do. But her frowned softened when she realized that this was the one way Amélie could ask if she trusted her without asking. Because it was a stupid question. Of course she didn’t trust her. But somehow she trusted her enough. And with a soft smile, Lena pushed them both up to sit and kissed Amélie, letting her take her shirt off.

* * *

Somewhere, on the other side of the floor to ceiling windows, a city was already fully awake. On the inside, Lena was thinking about how she had to leave. She had to go home. No, she had to go to Winston. She had to leave, and go to Winston and tell him about what happened. Or not to tell him. Either way, she had to leave. That's what she knew. Leave was possible, and she had to seize that moment. But she didn’t. Instead she was tracing circles and eights and…  _ hearts _ on Amélies hand placed neatly beside her own, her arm securing their bodies close together. The hour or so that Lena had shouted at herself to go, just leave for god sake, she had scooted closer to Amélie several times. Each time baffled that it was even possible to be closer than they already were.

Lena jumped as a loud noise came from the desk. It took her too many seconds to realize it was someone calling and by the time that Amélie was already up and answering, she had almost had a heart attack. 

“Yes?”Amélie greeted. Lena heard someone was speaking on the other end but couldn’t make out the words. Amélie didn’t say anything more than her greeting in the short call. She turned around to look at Lena, a smile at the edge of her mouth, as she hung up. 

“Don’t bother with your things. We’ll get you new clothes.” Amélie told her.

“I like my things. Blood washes out if you’re persistent enough.” 

“Fine. Don’t take more than you can carry.” Amélie sighed. Lena sat up and saw herself in the mirror hanging by the desk. She desperately needed a shower. 

“Hurry.” Amélie snapped. Lena jumped slightly, not ready for Amélie to almost shout at her.

“I didn’t realize I had be quick about it.” Amélie glared at her. She got out of bed with a sigh and got dressed, the dried blood on her clothes making for awful texture against her skin. She looked out from the window, down at the city that was fully awake and alive. She needed coffee. Or anything with a kick, she wasn’t picky. Unless it was an actual kick, she felt like she had to be specific about such things. 

Her head snapped from looking out at the streets below them to looking at Amélie when someone knocked on the hotel door. Amélie walked over to it an opened, walking back into the room, blocking whoever she had let in. The woman was about her own height, her skin tanned, and a smirk on her face as she seemed to study Lena. Glancing quickly over at Amélie. Lena did the same for a second. Amélie was looking at them. 

“I’ve got to tell you, you’re going to an awful lot of trouble for… very little.” she told Amélie while looking at Lena. Lena frowned as she maintain eye contact with whoever this rude person was. “I thought you’d be more.”

“More what?” Lena asked.

“More... looks.” 

“Hey!”

“We don’t have time for this, Sombra.” Amélie said as she picked up her bag and walked towards and out the door of the room. Sombra offered Lena an actual smile before turning around and following. Lena put on her shoes, grabbed her jacket, and followed. Deciding it was probably for the better to put it on. It had blood on it, but less obvious blood stains then her white shirt. She caught up with them at the elevator.

“How long?” Amélie asked. 

“50 seconds.” Sombra answered. As curious as Lena was, and eager to understand, she was too tired, too exhausted to even try to understand. The only thing she could manage was that it had something to with their “escape”, or perhaps how long it would take for the elevator to reach them. She counted. But the elevator arrived after 10 seconds, and she doubted it’d take another 40 seconds to reach the bottom, the building wasn’t that tall. 

“You!” Sombra said, turning to Lena. “I need you to not question anything. Go with it. And follow my lead, not hers. Understand?” Amélie let out a deep breath. Lena nodded.

“That’s a good girl. Guess you Overwatch agents are good for something after all.” Sombra laughed. Lena rolled her eyes. They arrived at the bottom and Lena did as she was told. Don’t question anything. Follow Sombra, not Amélie. Or did she only mean her decisions, not her actual lead? She rubbed her temples. Not even 24 hours had passed and she had already aged a lifetime. 

As soon as they left the entrance of the hotel and stepped out to the street a car pulled up that they proceed to get into. Sombra and Lena in the backseat, and Amélie in the front. 

“Look, here’s the thing,” Sobra began, turning to Lena, “If you decide this isn’t for you, you’ve made a bad decision, we’ll—”

“You.” Amélie corrected. Sombra sighed.

“ _ I’ll _ … give you a head start of shall we say… two days? After that it’s all fair game.” Sombra tilted her head, the same smirk on her face as before. An eyebrow raised in question. 

“I’m not— I’m not sure I entirely understand.” Lena understood perfectly, but the whole situation was so bizarre that she wasn’t sure she could trust herself to not have misunderstood. 

“What? You can’t actually believe that if you decide to gather information and rat us out that you’ll get away with it? We’re morally ambiguous, you should be glad I’m giving you two days.” Sombra laughed, shifting in her seat and leaning her head against the door. Lena’s mouth hung open, not being able to form any sort of words or sentences. What had she gotten herself into?

“Where are we going anyway?” Lena asked after ten minutes, not feeling like questioning anything after the earlier encounter. 

“A safe house.” Amélie told her from the front seat. Lena nodded. Of course they were. While most of her body still hurt from the previous evening she had somehow forgotten that they were in danger. Both of them were. If, or rather when, Talon found them they find _ both of them _ . It made sense they they wouldn’t just want Amélie to come with them. An Overwatch agent to brainwash was surely on someone’s bucket list. 

The car ride was another two hours of silence. Lena was silently admiring Sombra’s tech, but got bored when her energy very quickly ran out. The car radio was strictly forbidden she found as she asked if they couldn’t turn it on when all three of them, Amélie, Sombra, and the driver, yelled no as if she was already on her way to turn it on. After two hours, Lena stepped out of the car and stretched.

It looked as if it was about to fall apart. Amélie had said safe house and Lena had pictured it accordingly. The house she was looking at was the furthest she could think of from word “safe”. She followed Amélie into the building where it looked no better than the outside. Mold had attacked the cupboards. A table and the chairs around it all looked like they would break under any pressure, even as light as a feathers.

“Is this where your family lives or have you eaten them all already?” Lena joked. Amélie glared at her. Lena’s smile faltered when she understood that Amélie didn’t find it as funny. At least she wasn’t going to laugh about it.

“Come on, it’s a spider joke. Spiders eat each other. It’s funny.” Amélie rolled her eyes as she turned around and walked further into the house, down a flight of stairs to the basement and to an empty wall that she studied. Lena stayed behind, not questioning what she was doing. 

Just as Lena looked away for a second the wall… opened. Sure, she’d seen secret passage before but then she knew about them. She decided against commenting on it. She just followed Amélie down another flight of steps. This part was better than the hotel they had stayed at the night before. The few safe houses she had seen or been in where simplistic and only carrying the necessities you’d need for staying there a couple of days. They were never made to last a person more than maybe a week or two. This seemed to be able to last them  _ months _ . It was an entire house of its own. 

She took off her jacket and hung it on the back of an armchair. She was left standing there, not knowing for one bit how to act in the situation she had been put in. That she put herself in. A few seconds passed before Amélie turned around from where she was standing by the computer in the corner of the room. She took a deep breath and walked slowly over to where Lena was standing. Lena looked her, followed her moves. Her heart beating faster the closer Amélie was to her, and was quite sure it would jump out of her chest when Amélie’s face was bare centimeters from her own, feeling her warm breathe against it. Surprised that something about her was warm. Amélie grabbed the jacket and moved past her. Lena was frozen. What had just happened? As Amélie past her again she felt her hand graze her back. 

“How long are we staying here? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, I think I’d drive both of us insane in here.” Lena asked, hearing how false her laugh sounded. 

“Hopefully, longer than expected.” Amélie answered.

“And how long is that?”

“I expect they will trace us in about three days, but if we’re lucky we have maybe a week, a week and half at best.” Lena nodded even though Amélie wasn’t looking at her. 

“Wh— I’m sorry, I don’t really understand what we’re doing. I don’t understand  _ why _ you’re doing this.” And she certainly didn’t understand why she was still going along with everything Amélie was telling her too. Part of her lied and said it was out of fear, the other part told the truth that it was because she wanted to. She was intrigued that she might not have the whole truth of who she had tracked for so long. Tracked.  _ Track _ . God, not even 24 hours had passed and she had already forgotten. For all she knew Talon had caught Track before making it to Winston, Lena hadn’t even told Track  _ how _ to get to Winston just that she had to get there. Lena was capable of saving herself, but was Track? Amélie clenched her fists. 

“Why do you ask so many questions?”

“Because if I don’t you wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“Maybe that’s for your own good.”

“My own good? My own good is  _ not _ being kidnapped by a terrorist.”

“Your insults do not hurt me, child.”

“I’m not a child.” Lena pointed to the chronal accelerator. “But if I don’t get home soon, I’m not gonna  _ be _ at all.”

“Merde.” Amélie whispered. 

“I need us to have a better plan than hiding.” Lena told Amélie, sitting herself down on the armchair and curling up as much as the chronal accelerator let her. “I’m not ready to be a ghost again, and we have about,” she closed her eyes and counted, “46 more hours. Figure something out.” Amélie stared at her for a few seconds before leaving the room. Lena sighed. Figure something out? _ Figure it out yourself, Lena _ . She cursed herself. 

Something told her, be it the imminent sense of dread or the presence of a serial killer, that this wasn’t going to end well for either of them. 


	2. tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone is an ass, someone gets some ass, and someone reveals big things about themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote a bachelors thesis, i think that about sums up why this has taken three months and still is trash (also i "attempted" nanowrimo in the middle of the chapter which is further explanation that i don't have to give you but i'm mostly telling so you know that i am dedicated to an original work that i'll hopefully actually give out at some point).

28 hours of the 46 hours passed before Amélie figured something out. As far as safe houses go, Lena wasn’t impressed. You weren’t supposed to have visitors. The more traffic going in and out the likely you’d be caught, at least that’s was what logic told her.

“Did someone order a glorified battery charger?” Sombra called out as she came through the wall (door? Lena wasn’t sure what to call it). Lena wasn’t overjoyed to see Sombra again. However, relief spread through her mind and body. She could feel her jaw unclench, not realizing it was clenched to begin with.  Sombra walked passed Lena who was sitting in the armchair.  _ The  _ armchair. The one with the bloody jacket. The one with the almost kiss. The one with the quiet late night tea that turned into a conversation of who Amélie was (she wasn’t sure). Who she had been (someone different). How much of that was left (see: who she is). 

“Thank you.” Lena smiled at Sombra who offered a gesture Lena couldn’t make out completely. She guessed it was a ‘Whatever, you’re welcome’ kind of thing. Sombra looked behind Lena, who turned around to see Amélie, yawning. 

The more time they spent togther the more…  _ human  _ she became. She wasn’t human before. She was, in Lena’s honest opinion at the time, nothing more than dust. An insect, as any terrorist. And sure, Widowmaker was still all that. Somehow, Lena had managed to make out were Widowmaker ended and Amélie started. It wasn’t a hard drawn line, but it was there in all its blurry glory. Well-hidden for her the security of her life. 

“No more favours. From here on out, you pay for all my services.” Sombra told Amélie. Amélie stared at her. Lena frowned as Sombra huffed telling them ‘whatever’. Somehow that was an exchange. They communicated. Somba probably knew more about Amélie than Lena would ever. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to know. The less she knew the less human Amélie felt. She couldn’t kill someone who was human to her, and she would have to do that eventually. Lena knew it. She pushed it to the back of her mind. But she knew it. Sombra took her leave and left the two of them in silence again. 

Lena placed the charger in the corner of the main room, she guessed it was meant as a living room. She stretched her arms and rolled her shoulders a few times. Everything was tense. She wasn’t used to having to wear the chronal accelerator for as long as she had. It only ever happened when on duty and the mission got a bit messier than expected. But it seldom did, and at the end of the day she could take it off before doing the routinely nightly things (tea, shower, brush teeth, stare at herself in the mirror, bed).

The both of them snapped their heads towards where her jacket was hanging. It was ringing. The jacket was ringing. Or, she supposed, her holovid was. She walked over and grabbed it out of the pocket. Unknown caller. She looked up at Amélie who looked too shocked to give her an answer to if it was a bad idea to answer or not. 

“Hello?” she answered. She heard a relieved sigh on the other end.

“You will have to pay me  _ so many  _ hours overtime. You technically don’t pay me hourly but I don’t care, you owe me so much.” Track told her. Lena gave Amélie a weak smile, telling her it was okay. It wasn’t Talon calling to tell her that they’d kill her the minute they captured them which would be soon because they already had Sombra tell them everything. It was just Track. 

“Did you get there alright?” Lena asked.

“Yes. Winston has forced me to stay since I came here. For my own security, and I… Yeah, I’m not gonna argue with him on it. Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” Lena told Track. Everything still hurt, and it felt like a lie. 

“Where are you?”

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

“When are you coming back?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fine, you’re still paying me.” Track joked. It didn’t feel like a joke. It felt like another blow to the stomach. Track was counting on her to come back, and she wasn’t sure if she was going to. Everything was so very unclear and truly all she did want to do was go home. But Amélie had put her in this situation. She had let Amélie put her here and the few seconds that train of thought passed through her mind she finally got angry. 

“Don’t call again.” Lena said as she hung up. Turning the holovid off before putting it back into the pocket. 

“I wanna go home.” Lena told Amélie, knowing it wouldn’t work but trying. 

“Do you want to die?” Amélie huffed.

“Of course not. But you have no right to keep me here.”

“Who cares about rights?” 

“ _ You _ should.” 

“If you go home neither of us will make it out of this alive.” 

“And if we stay here then what?” 

“Then we die nonetheless but at least I will be alive before I go!” Amélie shouted and her words punched the air out of Lena. 

“I’m not alive here.” Lena said. Amélie’s face fell from her anger to something beyond sad. She wasn’t sad, or miserable, or devastated. She was dying, and she wasn’t going to come to terms with it. ‘ _ Don’t go gentle into that good night _ ’ echoed in her mind. Amélie was refusing it, and as long as Lena was refusing to play by her rules the harder everything would get. But she couldn’t pretend that she was okay with it. She couldn’t pretend that everything was fine. 

“You can leave when you want.” Amélie said as she turned around and left the room. She didn’t want to, but she knew that this was all doomed, and regardless if they made it out alive or not, they wouldn’t make it out together.    
  


* * *

 

Burpees could only do so much to help with the restlessness. Actually, Lena became convinced it only worsened it. Her reason being that burpees was probably the worst of workouts she knew. Yet, there she was doing burpees. She figured that anything that passed the time was good enough, though she realized she might have been wrong about that.

She stopped doing burpees and turned her attention to Amélie who took two mugs out of the cupboards and started boiling water. Lena walked over to her and leaned against the counter beside her, in front of the sink so she would be in the way. She crossed her arms over he chest. Amélie glared at her before opening another cupboard.

“Earl grey or mint?” Amélie asked.

“That’s really all—” 

“Earl grey or mint?” Amélie cut Lena off. 

“Earl grey.” Lena sighed. 

“I’m really trying to understand. But I can’t. I’m— I’m going back and forth between that this is a really elaborate trap or that this… that  _ you  _ really did all this without a good enough escape plan. And most of the time I don’t understand why I haven’t left already.” 

“Because regardless of how much you detest me, your more intrigued than angry.” “Amélie smiled. 

“Oh, really?” Amélie nodded.

“And because you don’t know where you are, where to go from here, or how to act. You don’t know why you haven’t left because no one out there will understand anything about what happened in here, or in that hotel. No one will understand why you never seize any of the perfectly laid out opportunities to kill me. And no one will understand when you tell them it’s because somehow, somewhere, against everything you know about me, you don’t hate me enough anymore.” Amélie told Lena while pouring the water into the mugs, tea bags already placed in them. Anélie took one of them and walked over to the armchair and sat down. 

“Or it’s because when I do leave, when I do meet the people who will question every extra second I’ve spent here, I know I can’t tell them the truth.

“And what truth is that?”

“That I’ve started to care what will happen to you after this. And that the next time we meet it won’t be you. At least not this part of you.” Lena took the mug, sipping it so she wouldn’t burn herself but immediately spat it out.

“Whatever that is, it’s not earl grey. I’m unsure it’s even tea to begin with.” She complained. Amélie laughed at the disgust Lena’s face contorted to when she smelled the tea. 

“Don’t be so dramatic. If you don’t like it you can pour it out.” Lena looked up at Amélie from the tea. Her face shifting from disgust to confusion. 

“Did you—” Lena started, trailing off when her lips, her tongue, her entire mouth, stopped cooperating with her. She blinked hard, listening to Amélie’s sigh and the sound of the cup meating the wood table in front of her. 

“Don’t worry, it’s harmless.” Amélie told Lena as she scooped her up from the armchair bridal style. Lena felt her body go heavy, as if she hadn’t slept for days. She let her head fall against Amélie’s chest as she was carried to the bed they had shared (which Lena was less reluctant too than she’d like to admit). She felt Amélie lay down beside her, but her eyelids were too heavy to open again and look at her. 

“You…” Lena sighed, trying to power through the effect of whatever she had been given, “asshole.” she managed. Amélie laughed again.

“I’m sorry. You told me to figure something out. And I was bold enough to think I would. But I’m putting you in danger, and that’s not how you show love. And I’m trying to show love.” Lena tried to grasp at the last strands of wakefulness but failed. Love. She was being shown love, and she understood as little of it as Amélie seemed. 

When she woke up and remembered what had happened she shot up. Amélie was not in the bed. She left bed, falling to the ground as she stumbled on her tired legs. She crawled to the door. No Amélie in the living room either.

“Amélie?” No answer. 

She pulled herself back up on her legs with the help of the desk outside the bedroom door and managed to walk over to the couch. She noticed a note on the table. She took a deep breath as she picked it up, already feeling like she knew what it was going to say.

_ Lena,  _

_     When you wake I’ll be gone. I will never have gotten the chance to say how deeply sorry I am for what I’ve put you through for my own selfish wants. I am sorry that you will have to live with the memory of this time, and I am sorry for any harm I have caused, including any questions that I can not answer. But I ask of you, even though I have no right to ask anything of you, that you don’t seek the answers. By seeking me out, you inevitably seek your own destruction again.  _ _   
_ _     I have arranged a car for you to get you back to London. There will be a room for you at The Grand in my name if you’re reluctant to go back home. _

Lena read it twice before she crumpled the note in her fist, clenching her fist around the note in hopes that it would evaporate if she tried hard enough. When she opened the fist again and the crumpled note fell out of it she sighed. Unwrinkling it, placing it on the table, trying to to smooth it out. Amélie had tried, she gave her that. Albeit she had failed miserably at everything Lena hoped she tried to do well, she gave it a try. At least that’s what Lena wanted to believe. 

Lena stood up from the couch slowly, her legs still didn’t want to work with her. She walked over to her jacket and took out the holovid. She hesitated before pressing a name and putting it against her ear. 

“Are you hurt?” Track asked the second she answered. 

“I’m fine. Amé— She’s gone. Are you still at Winston’s?” 

“Yeah. Lena please, I—  _ We’ll  _ come get you.”

“No. It’s fine. Just give me some time and I’ll be over.” 

* * *

 

The car ride back to London was as uncomfortable as it had been from London to the safe house. She never questioned how safe she actually was. It wasn’t the same driver and for all she knew it would be in this car that she’d die. Not on a roof, not in an hotel, not in a safe house. She was too exhausted to care. She wanted to be done with this. She had asked to be dropped off in one of the sketchy neighbourhoods with illegal teleporters. And now here she was, knocking on Winston’s door, as if nothing of the past few days had happened.

Track hugged her tightly, and it took Lena a few seconds before reacting and she put her arms around Track too. 

“I will murder you.” Track whispered, and it made Lena feel oddly at ease. Just as Track was letting go she was pushed back into a hug when Winston hugged them both. Their faces pushed against each other cheek to cheek as Winston hugged them a little too tight. 

“I need to…” 

“You need to do nothing but tell us what happened.” Winston told her. They walked inside and sat down at a table, where they asked her questions she couldn’t answer. Like where Amélie was now, if she was going back to Talon, if this had all been a big ploy to distract from something else. Lena knew nothing other than at the end of the day, she would miss Amélie regardless of how much she detested Widowmaker. 

“I should get back home. I— I—” Lena started.

“You’re staying here tonight. I know I have no right to order you to do anything, but I beg you.” Winston told her. She gave him a weak smiled, nodded in agreement. She could handle one night. Just one night more. 

“I’d at least like to freshen up a bit.” She stood up and left. She had a room at his, she was there often enough for him to have to put something together for when and if she ever needed to crash there. 

She threw her jacket on the bed and started to undress, leaving the clothes on the ground. She walked into the bathroom and let the freezing water hit her, let it turn scolding. Her eyes closed. The heat stabilized and finally felt  _ good  _ against her skin.  _ Great  _ even. She washed her hair and body with 2-in-1 shower gel that had been in that shower for god knows how long. Her tired mind sharpened when she heard the door to the room open. She hadn’t bothered to close the bathroom door and she suddenly felt as if she would be murdered, it would just be seconds until the shower curtain was ripped away. 

“Whoever you are, please let a woman die with some dignity and some clothes on.” She called out.

“Do you want to hear something semi-funny?” Track asked, barely audible to Lena because of the shower.

“Go ahead.”

“Emily.” 

“What about Amélie?”

“No, my name! I’m Emily.” Emily told Lena. She froze, a chill going down her spine when she turned out the water. She stretched an arm out to where the towel was hanging without having to pull aside the shower curtain. She dried her hair as good as possible before putting the towel around her. 

“Why are you telling me this now?” she asked. Tra— Emily shrugged.

“I thought it would lightened the mood slightly. Emily, Amélie. Amélie, Emily. We basically have the same name. It’s amusing.” She smiled at Lena who only offered a frown in return. 

“Okay, fine. I finally tell you my name and now it’s not a big deal anymore. Way to suck the fun out of mystery.” 

“No, no, I…” Lena started. 

“Look, I get it. Whatever happened when you were gone I can’t compete with that. I get it.”

“It’s not like that.” Lena shook her head.

“No? Because it does seem like that.”

“ _ Whatever happened when I was gone  _ you can compete with that, but not right now. I just got back. I’ve been drugged, I’m still  _ blue  _ because I’ve been in fights. You need to give me some time.” Lena told Emily, raising her voice the more she talked. 

“Alright.” Emily nodded.

* * *

 

Two weeks later Lena finds herself in her freezing apartment, in her own bed. The heat radiating off Emily is a comfort contrasted against her restlessness. When she turns around to face her sleeping “whatever-you-wanna-call-this” she hates herself for the fraction of a second that she’s disappointed that it isn’t Amélie. She has no right to be disappointed. The next second she always wonders why she’s even disappointed to begin with. 

She turns around again and sits up on the edge of the bed, rubbing her face, and then gets up. The clock on the bedside table flashes 3.37 AM. Last night it was 3.28 AM. The night before that it was 5.13. And before that Emily woke her up at 1.22 PM when she found herself (irrationally) fearing that Lena might have died during the night. Emily had asked if she shouldn’t see someone who could help. Lena told her she already did. Then again, Lena understood Emily’s hesitation to whether you could actually call sharing a beer with Angela once a week could be called help from someone who can actually help. Emily meant in a professional situations, not talk with a professional off duty. Especially seeing as how Angela wasn’t a psychologist. She was a medical doctor. 

Lena sat down on the couch in the living room. The buzzing from the computers Emily had set up sounded as loud as plane against the silence of the living room in the middle of the night. And from nothing came everything. The tears that seemed more absent than ever in her life all welled up. If you asked her why now she wouldn’t have been able to give you a good answer. Maybe it was exhaustion, maybe she felt guilty for being disappointed about waking up next to Emily and not Amélie, she just didn’t know. 

She woke up again a few hours later when Emily woke her up. She was still in the living room on the couch. She had no memory of falling asleep. She guess maybe she had actually cried herself back to sleep. 

“I have a lot of work coming up so I’m gonna move my things and I back home for a couple of days.” Emily told her as she sat herself down next to Lena with a cup of tea in her hands, placing another cup on the table in front of them that Lena picked up. She smelled it first, and then taste it. Whatever it was, it wasn’t earl grey. It was much better. 

“I can’t promise that I’ll answer if you call, but I doubt I’ll get in as much trouble this time.” 

“I’m sorry.” Lena whispered. Emily placed a hand on Lena’s knee briefly. She knew she didn’t have to apologize anymore. Yet, she felt as if she could never apologize enough. 

Another few hours later, they both stepped out of the front door and headed their separate ways. Emily to hers, and Lena to wherever was not home. 


	3. announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> authors note of sorts

so, this is the internet, and this is “just” fan fiction so i know i don’t owe anyone any sort of explanation. however, here one is anyway.

i am abandoning this ship. i would’ve loved to be the kind of captain that sunk with it to the bitter end but i’m facing my truth. i don’t like this project anymore, and i think that if you don’t enjoy the story you’re writing then why are you doing it? writing is suppose to be fun. does this mean the end of me writing widowtracer? probably not that ship will never sink. but i’m just not gonna be writing this one.

i want to like what i write, and this isn’t it. i hereby declare this dead.

sorry to anyone who cares. read my other bad fics (which is all of my fics).

as a last thing though i want to share with you what would have been the titles for the coming things because there have always been meaning to the titles.

part 2 chapter 3: i just don’t want to die anymore

part 3: i want it back now, baby. i want it back.

part 3 chapter 1: here’s the repeated image of the lover destroyed 

part 3 chapter 2: drive into that tree, drive off the embankment. emily, make something happen.

part 3 chapter 3: for the health of your heart.

the names of chapters and parts are all taken from richard siken poems but still hold meaning to the story. the exception being the series and last chapters name which is taken from the song keep on dreaming by swedish artist little jinder (who i’m pretty sure is rebranding herself to just her name josefine jinder).

again, bye, and thanks for all the love. send hate and prompts on tumblr, it’s in my profile. 

 


End file.
